


Dear Xander

by ChokolatteJedi



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe, Apocalypse, Community: joss100, Dark, Declarations Of Love, Epistolary, Food, Hurt, Jealousy, Multi, Post Season 7, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-07
Updated: 2007-01-07
Packaged: 2017-10-22 03:32:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/233271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChokolatteJedi/pseuds/ChokolatteJedi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy writes Xander a letter</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Xander

**Author's Note:**

> Placed post-series. AU in that Anya lives through the final battle. For my joss100 table, prompt 009. Love.

Dear Xander,

I can’t believe I waited so long to tell you this. I could have been with you years ago if I’d just seen past the darkness. You and Spike were right; I pretended to only see you as a friend because I liked suffering in the dark. It's why I kept choosing men who would hurt me.

It was talking to Faith about it, actually, that made me realize the truth. The first slayer, she was forced by the elders to live a life alone. Those men tortured her, whether they realized it or not, so now we torture ourselves.

Faith does it by using men and refusing to believe in love. Kendra did it by following her watcher's example and ignoring her feelings: for her parents, for him, for all of us. And I do it by choosing dark men to love and setting myself up to fail.

For years, I've lied to everyone, even myself, and said I liked the darkness, when really all I wanted was light.

Spike was right. He chose the worse time to tell me off, but he was right. But even he thought I could change it myself; that I just had to want the light badly enough.

Believe me, wanting it isn't enough. It's a curse on all slayers, a taint in our blood. A secret passed down from girl to girl. Wood's mother knew; it's why she chose the battle over her son. She couldn't choose otherwise.

But I broke the rules. I told someone. Willow didn't just turn every potential into a slayer; she purified us. No longer are we part demon-part girl. We have the power without the pain, solitude, and shadow that goes with it.

We are not filthy hybrids, but strong women. Beautiful women. Free women. We are slayers.

I'm a slayer. Not _the_ one and only. I am one of many, and in that multitude, I can finally find my own freedom. I can love who I want, without needing to punish myself or them for the pleasure of it. I can love you, Xander, with all my heart, as I've wanted to since I came to Sunnydale.

You're my Xander-shaped friend, and always have been, and I love you all the more for it.

But it took me too long to tell you, and another has taken my place. I don't begrudge Anya her place in your life; I just hope she loves you like I wish I could. I hope you two will be very happy together and have lots of little demi-demons some day.

I won’t be here tomorrow, but please know that I love you - I always have - and I just wanted you to know that you've taught me how to show it.

-Love, Buffy

\- - - * - - -

The letter crumpled in Anya's fist, and as she looked around the empty room, she saw red.

"I told her - she can't have Xander."

"Honey?" a voice rang from the other room. "Did you say something?"

"No!" Anya called back, feigning innocence. "Do you have to start your new job today?"

"No. They're rearranging the schedules to incorporate all their new hires, so I've got a few days off."

"Good." Stuffing the note into her bag, Anya cleared her expression and padded back into their bedroom. "Make me waffles?"


End file.
